Short Shots, Bleach
by K.N.Writer
Summary: Humorous events in the lives of the Bleach characters. Told one by one. UNDERGOING MAJOR RE-WRITING.
1. Why Kon left the Kurosaki household

**BEGINNING**** NOTE: HELLO THERE FANFICTION PEOPLES! THIS IS MY SECOND STORY, AND SECOND BLEACH FIC. WHILE YOUR HERE PLEASE GO READ AND REVIEW MY OTHER STORY _THE NEXT GENERATION'S WAR. _THIS STORY IS ALL SIMPLE ONE-SHOTS. LEAVE A REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, AND WHO EVER YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE/READ NEXT. I'LL TRY MY BEST TO DO ALL YOUR REQUESTS IF I HAVE TIME, BUT I'LL BE FOCUSING MORE ON THE FREQUENTLY REQUESTED PEOPLE. FIRST UP, IS EVERBODY'S FAVORITE PERVERTED MOD-SOUL, KON! (BECAUSE I SPENT AN HOUR WATCHING _ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO SOUL REAPERS._)**

**WORD COUNT: 659 (MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL MAKE A TRUE, 100 WORD DRABBLE XD)**

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The perverted mod soul was at a breaking point. That jaundice haired block-head was never home. The prude was always engrossed in school work or part time jobs with that sort-of-hot eel seller lady.

Did that bastard ever think about him? About the great Kon-sama?

Did he even acknowledge his amazing exsistance?

No! Of course he didn't! The fool left him in this house of crazies!

First of there was that tomboy, Karin. As she became more spiritually aware and informed she was introduced to Kon. And boy did she hate him...

Kon had only commented on how well her body was developing compared to the surfboard she was before! That was a compliment, wasn't it!

He didn't even jump at her, since she was Strawberry's sister.

But the violent soccer player blew it all out of proportion! He's still finding missing pieces of his stuffing at Urahara's.

And she can barely go a day without kicking him into a wall! If only is was Nee-san doing that... If so then he would be the happiest mod soul alive!

Then there was their lunatic father, Isshin. After finding hs awesomeness beaten and abused, he gave him to Ishida.

He. Gave. The. GREAT. KON-SAMA. To. ISHIDA. That was unforgiveable!

After the incident he was all blue. Totally, completely BLUE except for his white paws and mane. Who the hell would even think of that? ( He refuses to acknoledge that the outcome would have been better had he not insulted Ishida beforehand)

Kon-sama was not a smurf! How could anyone allow such a thing to happen to his brilliant adorableness!

Isshin also had a habit of spilling food, or drink, or any nearby substance in his antics. And whenever Kon was nearby he was used to clean up said mess.

The worst was the toilet incident...

He had gotton so dirty the crazy father had to take his pill out of the plushy and boil it. Then wash it. Then boil it again. Then soak it for 3 days. Then disinfect it. Then one last boiling to get the rest of the grime out.

He thanks his lucky stars that his mod soul pill was removed first.

Finally, there was Yuzu. That girl was secretly an evil witch who hid in the guise of a cute, preppy teen!

When she was happy it already bad. She would practice her sewing on him, or design new clothes for him, or even make him play with the other stuffed animals!

And worst of all go to Ishida for advice, then use his suggestions. It was hell!

And he was forced to stay in Yuzu's room as he would be too mortified to leave.

Then there were bad days...

She would re-stuff each plush toy to practice her suture skills. "For when I become a doctor..." That closet sadist would hum.

She was clearly venting frustration as she jabbed needles in him again and again.

An angry Yuzu would use him as a punching bag.

You would think she hits like a little girl, but you're wrong. The half-shinigami brat hits hard, very hard.

Only she beat him way more often than Nee-san and not because of anything he himself had done.

The worst part was that nobody knew, and both Orange-head and Tomboy would beat him for messing up Yuzu's room. Then make him clean it. They didn't even question all the rips and tears Yuzu's blows made!

That was it, he was out!

See them live without the greatness that is him! They'd be sorry! They'd scream and beg for him to come back, but he wouldn't listen! He'd be out in the world with beautiful women holding him to their heavenly mounds!

So while Kurosaki family was fast asleep the Great Kon-sama made his escape. Quietly jumping out of Ichigo's window, and heading off into the distance...

Where he was going he did not know, but it would surely be better than that hell whole they called The Kurosaki Residence.

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**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW AND FAVORITE AND ALL THAT JAZZ!**


	2. Preparation for attaining Bankai

**AN: HELLO PEOPLES! I GOT TWO PERIODS OF SCHOOL TO LISTEN TO QUEEN AND THE BEATLES (WHILE WORKING ON A PROJECT, BUT STILL) AND I AM IN AN AWESOME MOOD! SO I BRING YOU ANOTHER UPDATE! AND TODAY IT IS EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE SHORTY, HITSUGAYA TOSHIRO! SO READ AND ENJOY!**

**NAAA, NAA, NAA, NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEY JUDE! (I DON'T OWN _HEY JUDE _BY _THE BEATLES_.)**

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The snowy-haired genius sits in the middle his personal training cave quietly.

The whole area is covered with layers of frost and ice and snow, making the place look like a snowstorm just came by. Despite the sweltering heat of summer, the ice remains solid.

Slowly everything dissolves into a real blizzard, Hitsugaya's inner world. "Child, you are here at last." The dragon speaks to the little boy. "Yeah, you had something to tell me, did you not?" Toshiro inquires curiously.

"Yes, I would like to start bankai training." Hyorinmaru replies curtly.

"Wh-what?" The master sputters. "It's too early for that!"

"But Master you are ready!" The ice dragon argues.

"I don't even have full control of my shikai!"

"Master you DO! I am your shikai, I know these things!"

"I said it's too early, so it is! Just drop it!" Toshiro snaps.

"You are being a child Master." Says the zanpakuto, who is getting more agitated each second.

"I'd simply like to gain a better mastery of my shikai first!" He fumes, turning pink with annoyance childishly.

"But Master!" Hyorinmaru whines in an also childish way.

And so they argued each day for five weeks. The dragon used every possible reason under the frozen heavens.

"Hinamori will see you as more of a man... Matsumoto will stop killing you with her breasts... Wouldn't granny be so proud...? You'll gain more respect from you squad... The chicks dig powerful men...It will definintely get you a girlfriend for those nights when you... I'm going to throw a fit if you don't..." And so he went on.

Till one day, the powerful dragon found the perfect reason.

"Master." Hyorinmaru calls, appearing on his own.

"I said no, Hyorinmaru." The short shinigami says with finality, rubbing his temples in preparation for his oncoming headache.

"But Master, if you attain a second release, the boost in power could help you grow taller!" The dragon reasons, hoping it works because it is his final shot.

There is a long, awkward pause.

Toshiro sighs and packs up the paperwork he was working on.

"So, what do we do first?" He questions as he walks towards the cave.

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**END NOTE: I HAVE NOTICE THERE WERE ACTUALLY A GOOD AMOUNT OF READERS FOR THE FIRST CHAPTER. I KNOW WE ALL GET LAZY, BUT PLEASE REVIEW AND PUT UP SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE I MAKES THE UPDATES FLOW FASTER :) REGARDLESS, I AM GLAD YOU TOOK THE TIME TO READ MY WORK. DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY OTHER STORY,****_ THE NEXT GENERATION'S WAR. _ANYWAY, THANKS FOR READING!  
**

**HERE COMES THE SUN, DOO DOO DOO DOOO. HERE COMES THE SUN, AND I SAY... ITS ALRIGHT! (i DON'T OWN THIS SONG OR ANY SONG FOR THAT MATTER.)**


	3. Where they get the water

**AN: SO I KNOW I UPDATED YESTERDAY, BUT WHEN I HAVE FINISHED WORK I LIKE UPDATING ASAP. THIS ONE POPPPED INTO MY HEAD WHILE WATCHING **_**ARRANCAR ENCYCLOPEDIA**_**, THE ANIME OMAKE WITH GIN AS THE HOST. THIS ISN'T REALLY ABOUT HIM THOUGH, BUT I JUST HAD TO ADD HIM IN. HAPPY READING! AND REMEMBER TO REVIEW!**

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"Umm, Lord Aizen?" A meek arrancar with shoulder length, forest green hair asks. Her caramel brown eyes stare into the floor, her head bowed down as a sign of respect.

"Look up my child. What is it you would like to ask?" Aizen asks with a small smile.

"Well I was just wondering..." She starts, holding the tea tray to her modest chest and turning her round face to the side.

"Since there is no water in Hueco Mundo... How did Tosen-sama make the tea?"

"Well you see..." The former captain begins, but is interrupted as a certain Espada walks in.

"Ah, Haribel-sama! Why are you in resurrection form? Are there intruders?" The green-haired girl asks in a high squeak.

The brown-haired male chuckles lightly.

Gin chooses this moment to rush in... Wearing a only yellow ducky inner tube and hot pink, polka dotted swim trunks...

"Haribel-chan! Tousen needs a lil' more water fer the' pool!" He yells rather jovially.

The meek arrancar sweat drops and smiles awkwardly. She could see where this was going... Poor Haribel-sama...

"Hmph. Cascada." Haribel calls, and sends the water rocketing towards Gin and out the nearest window.

The torrent of reiatsu-charged water lands with a loud crash.

"We have received a sufficient amount of water!" Tousen calls, seemingly using a megaphone.

However, the mega phone worked a bit too well. They heard the Spice Girls playing in the background, and the meek arrancar didn't even want to know what he was doing...

Haribel sends another Cascada anyways.

Gin picks himself up from the floor.

He was really tired from all the pool construction and had to pull a Neo from the matrix on one foot to avoid that one. Sadly, gravity took affect right after his awesome dodge.

"Yer mean, ya kno'." Gin says with a exagerrated pout.

"Hmph." She says. She gives a bow to Lord Aizen and a small nod to the disbelieving arrnacar, before walking away silently.

Souske turns to her with a smirk.

"And this my dear is where we get our water."

The girl blanches, "WTF?" face clearly visible. She sweatdrops again.

"I'll be taking my leave now, Aizen-sama..."

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**END NOTE: THE ARRANCAR GIRL IS AN OC I MADE FOR **_**THE NEXT GENERATION'S WAR**_** MY OTHER STORY. NAME WILL NOT BE REVEALED YET, AND NO SHE IS NOT RELATED TO NEL TU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. PLEASE R&R THAT STORY TOO. AND TO THE GIN FANS (LIKE MYSELF) I'M SORRY I CAN'T GET THE ACCENT RIGHT... HOPE YOU LIKED THIS ONE. ALSO THANKS A TON TO MY FIRST REVIEWER FOR THIS STORY, **ICE DRAGON. **FROM YOUR NAME I TAKE IT YOU LIKE TOSHIRO, RIGHT? THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. The First SMILE

**AN: Hello again reader people! Here's a new chapter...****  
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** **Yeah that's it, not much to say...**

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A young Unohana Retsu walks across the halls of Shinōreijutsuin with her armpit-length back-braid swinging actively.

The bright sunlight spills through every window, accompanied by a cool spring breeze. Sakura petals fall like gentle pink rain and are carried by the wind across the cloudless sky.

She bounces lightly with each step, humming a soft tune along the way. It was really a perfect day.

Suddenly a musky, slightly alcohol tinged scent assaults her. Retsu narrows her eyes slightly. A familiar reiatsu is picked up by her senses, along with a deep, cheery voice.

"Restu-chan! You look exceedingly lovely today!"

The girl tries not to show any visible annoyance, but on the inside she practically seething.

There he was again. Kyoraku Shunsui. Obviously about to ask for other date they both knew she was going to refuse.

She liked him as a friend and all, but the guy needed to give it up.

"What is it, Kyoraku-kun?" The healer asks, trying to contain her ire. "If it's a date again, then I refuse."

"Aww! But Ret-chan, why don't you give a chance?"

And so he starts on his tirade. It is the same mushy, cliché tirade that she has heard from him at least thirty times, and tons more from other men.

But she was never interested. They were much too weak to even be considered in her eyes. The only reason she even put up with Shunsui was because he was the only man who could best her swordplay.

However, the mild mannered girl was reaching her limit.

"Please stop, I have said no and it is final." Retsu interjects after 20 minutes of endless -and failing- persuasion. Her eyes are closed softly, as if trying to make him disappear.

She feels her anger, annoyance and impatiance gathering like a forming comet. If he doesn't leave her alone soon Retsu will surely unleash it on her perverted classmate. And nobody in any world would like to face the wrath of Retsu Unohana.

"But-" He begins, and starts another five minutes mini-tirade.

Suddenly she snaps.

She turns to him, previously mentioned emotions gathering and exuding a calm, venomous aura. She releases no reiatsu, but you could still feel the focused, almost sadistic energy surrounding her being.

The dark emotion collects in her pretty smile, making her seem absolutely evil. In this moment Shunsui feels like he's going to defecate in his pants and then spontaneously turn into a pile of dust. His legs shake underneath his loose hakama and –dear Shigekuni Yamamoto Genryusai- there were _tears_ brimming his eyes.

(In present day, the captain of the eighth division describes the feeling of that one moment as _"like standing in front of the personification of the apocalypse…" _and that the experience was _"colder than going through Hitsugaya's Thousand Year Ice Prison a million times.")_

Raw, frantic fear curdles in his stomach and his survival instincts kick in. He needs to get _away _and fast.

"I SAID, no and that is final." She says; eyes open, voice calm and serene. _The smile _remains in place.

"Alright, I'll be going then." Kyoraku manages to say without sputtering, while shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.

He flash steps away as quickly as possible.

Unohana stands in a slight shock. That actually worked..

She turns to her reflection in the window while smiling joyously to herself.

She had just created a technique stronger than all those damn 80 level hado she just mastered.

From that day forward Unohana Retsu had worked on perfecting _the smile_ which eventually became her most valuable – not to mention most useful- skill of all.

2100 years later, Kyoraku Shunsui would still recount this as _THE_ most frightening moment of his entire life, even after the thousand year war…

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**END NOTE:...**  
**Thanks for reading! Please review and check out my other story THE NEXT GENERATION'S WAR.**

**Bye, Bye!**


	5. Rukia's Haircut

**AN: **Nothing much to say. Just tired and bored, then I though of this. My inspiration comes at random moments, hence the irregular updating. **Anyways, please read and review and alet and all that other stuff! :D**

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A spark of blue energy concentrates in his palms. It ripples like the ocean current and childish elation surges through him.

'Almost there...' he thinks to himself.

In front if him, his short and strict instructor has a satisfied look on her face. She nods and points her hand towards the target, gesturing for him to fire.

Finishing off the incantation; the man takes a deep breath.

"Hado number 33! Sokatsui!"  
He screams with bloody murder -he is imagining hitting a certain strawberry with this- and unleashes the spell.

Sadly, he exerts to much reiryoku at the last minutes and the kido enlarge rapidly. It fizzles for a brief moment before exploding in his face, for the 15th time.

His instructor sighs and sets out the resulting fire with a quick spell before turning to leave. The pineapple-headed moron would just never get it right.

The ice-wielder wonders why she even wasted her time here. She could have be watching Chappy!

"Hey! Rukia... Rukia! Wait!" The 6th squad lieutenant hollers after her, looking like a charred red marshmallow.

"Kuchiki-fukutaichou! Wait, 'please!" Renji calls again, hoping she'll listen.

"No!" Rukia snaps annoyed. "This kido training is completely hopeless. You're on your own, dumbass!"

At this he stops, about two feet behind and to the right of the petite, seething female. And fifteen feet from the unscathed target board.

The red pineapple gets into his stance and starts the incantation.

He promises himself to get ot right this time. He'll show her just how good he can be.

The energy forms in his hand again, and the resounding crackle causes Rukia's head to snap back. He screams out the hado.

"Wait! You fool!" The chappy-lover warns.

Her warning is too late, he has already fired.

A geyser of blue fire engulfs the two lieutenants.

It dies down and Renji is the first to emerge.

He is more charred and burnt-smelling than before, but his ponytail was coated with fire-proof spray for this occasion. Exploding kido was something that happened regularly to him anyways.

Rukia -though less used to exploding kido- fared pretty much the same. Except for one small area...

All Renji sees is fire on something black near Rukia's head. He assumes its just her uniform, the poor, poor fool.

"Ahhhhh!" Rukia screams, and prepares a quick kido spell.

It sets fire to on her hair of and she gapes at the burnt locks.

The -previously- mid back length locks of black fall to the ground. Her hard work growing her hair out, all for nothing...

Rukia turns to Renji with cold wind blowing around her; face displaying nothing but murderous intent.

A millisecond later, he feels intense, burning fear in the pit of his stomach. His body freezes instantly.

"Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!" She shrieks; voice resonating pure evil.

Afterwards most of the respect Renji's subordinates had for him had gone down the drain.

And with it went all of his pride and at least 40 percent of his blood.

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**END NOTE:** Hope you guys liked this one. Remember to review!


	6. Sake Shortage: Yamamoto's Life Pt1

**AN:** Hello reader people! I know it's been long, and I apologize to those of you who have been waiting for the next chapter. Inspiration is hard to come by when life gets busy, and all you want to do at the end of the day is sleep. But now the plot bunnies are running wild! And summer has just begun, so I'll have more time for my stories. So, without further ado, I present to you Chapter 6!

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Shigekuni Yamamoto Genryūsai, Captain Commander of the Gōtei 13 knew this was going to be a bad day.

It started when he found Lieutenant Kira Izuru bawling across the streets of the Seireitei.

The boy was wearing his uniform inside out with a Matsumoto-worthy opening, those ridiculous bangs were actually out of his face -because they got soaked in tears-, and he was wearing Shunsui's pink kimono top.

"Why? Why? WWHHHYYY?" He had screamed. Yamamoto really did wonder why this fool was a lieutenant.

Minutes later, he passed by Ukitake and his third seats. And the two idiots weren't fighting! They were so synchronized and cooperative that poor Jushiro was sweating like bullets. They even _disagreed _with their captain! Madness...

Then he made it to the eighth, were Kyoraku Shunsui -his foolish, lazy, drunkard of a student who hadn't worked diligently at paperwork since his inauguration- was sitting at his desk _filling out paperwork_!

He had even given lieutenant Ise the day off, and told her to go on a _date_.

When he had asked about it, he said: "It's my job as a Captain. And Lieutenant Ise needs a break. Besides her private life is none of my business." In a incredibly professional tone.

By then the Soutaichou was much too disturbed, and left.

At the ninth he heard the lieutenants Hisagi and Iba had suffered from nervous breakdowns. The old man had arrived just in time to see Hisagi been hauled to the fourth; kicking, twitching and screaming.

That very moment, Yamamoto thoroughly frightened for his own sanity.

Afterwards, at the tenth Matsumoto had turned into a vegetable; lying on the floor unmoving. The only thing that told people she was alive was when they kicked her and she squealed.

But the coup de grace was the eleventh; a mishmash of all their reactions together. If the regular eleventh division was bad, this was hell on earth - or soul society-.

Unseated shinigami were lying like vegetables and being trampled on the floor. Some were weeping silently while others used their poker face. The old captain had stabbed one with his cane but he refused to move.

Some were sing Kumbaya with linked hands and dyed-pink uniforms; Madarame-sanseki among them. He decided upon dealing with them later since they were so peaceful right now.

An enraged Zaraki was cutting anything around him, and Kusajishi-fukitaicho was running around like a child on crack. Biting heads and whacking by-passers with a staff hollering "I am the Avatar!"

Yamamoto wasn't sure if he should be glad they were acting like their usual selves, or sad they weren't sing Kumbaya with Ikkaku. At this point, he was just wishing if he could just release Ryujin Jakka on them all.

Thankfully, he spots a reliable head tending to the crowd of brainless idiots.

"Unohana-taichou." He calls. "What happened?"

"It seems that the Seireitei has run completely out of liquor." Retsu explains. "All our heavy drinkers are now facing withdrawal syndrome."

At this the old captain lets out a mighty sigh, pivots on his heel and heads back to the first.

He was really getting too old for this.

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**END NOTE: Thanks for reading! Review! **


	7. Komamura vs Bambietta

**AN: **Hey there reader people! Here's another chapter! Thanks to every one who read, reviewed and all that stuff! I'm happy you all are enjoying my work!

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Komamura Sajin stands at the ready in front of his opponent.

He studies the seemingly unthreatening, petite female cautiously. The Captain knew better than to underestimate the girl.

After all there were plenty of women like this in the Seireitei, and they were fearsome shinigami indeed.

However, as he starts to speak something strange happens.

In his opponents eyes form little hearts, and she squeals and swoons like a hyperactive child. Her arms flail up and down in spastic motion and she bounces in uncontainable glee.

"Oh. My. Gosh." She chirps excitedly; delighted –and unnaturally high pitched- squeal evident in her voice. "What a cute doggie!"

Then, in a hirenkyaku he can barely see, the girl comes up and pets him repeatedly. Cooing and gushing about his "zomg uber fluffy adorableness."

In her moments of vulnerability the fight is finished swiftly. Komamura thanks his lucky stars she was a dog lover.

The other Quincies can only wonder if the Soul Reapers were incredibly smart, or if their comrade was incredibly stupid.

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**END NOTE:** This was supposed to be posted earlier, but I saved the file in the wrong folder and it took me FOREVER to find. Hope you enjoyed this one!

Review!


	8. Payback for Pineapple

**AN: **Good afternoon reader people! Here's another chapter of _SSB! _Hope you all like this one!

_Based on the Bleach OVA: Sealed Sword Frenzy. You won't get it if you haven't seen that. If you don't want to watch the whole thing however, just go on Youtube and search for "Renji as a cop" or one of the funny moments videos. _

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Abarai Renji was sleeping peacefully in his bed, swathed in his Kyoraku-approved pink kimono.

It was late at night, and the moon was covered by a blanket of dark clouds. Those creepy ass owls that were always there during this type of scene stared blankly at the distance.

A lone figure prowls the dark streets towards the room of the sleeping lieutenant; dressed like the stereotypical cartoon burglar and tiptoeing as silently as possible.

With surprising grace he leaps up the tree beside the freeloader's window, only to fall to the ground comically because his fancy outfit got stuck in a branch.

Dizzy on the floor; the man decides he should just walk through the door that was left open by a couple of drunken division member. Or Byakuya fan girls. He wasn't sure, but the pictures of the bathing male Kuchiki were very suspicious.

After more careful prowling, he enters the room without a sound. The man executing the first prank –courtesy of a device from the one and only Urahara Kisuke- with practiced ease and devilish chuckles.

He then walks to the bed; he gently shakes Renji awake and pulls out a shotgun. Where he kept it, we will never know.

The disoriented fukutaichou opens his eyes in time to find a pistol poised just above his tattooed head.

"Payback's a bitch, Pineapple." The assailant quips playfully and pulls the trigger.

The victim can do nothing but scream like a little girl before getting knocked out in a surprisingly professional fashion.

Giddy and successful the man runs out the door; rushing past a drowsy Captain Kuchiki.

The bleary-eyed noble man decides to ignore it. After the day he had sleep was more important than the possible murder of his idiot lieutenant.

The morning after the incident Abarai Renji was sporting a line right through the center of his head, all the hair above it lost. He was also enraged to find all his uniforms dyed an obnoxious Naruto Uzumaki orange, with "I'll love you forever Ichi-berry!" printed on it.

And everyone laughed, even Byakuya.

To his dismay he was sent to Karakura that day, just because his "stick-up-the-ass" Captain wanted Renji out of the way.

There, he had spent the day looking for possible culprits. Sadly, Abarai was still in his orange shihakushou. Needless to say, Ichigo was very much disturbed by the sight while the pineapple drilled him with repetitive questions.

When Isshin Kurosaki was asked about it by Renji himself, he only laughed and ran away like a deranged idiot.

The red-head didn't question him further, because he was thoroughly convinced that Ichigo's dad was high.

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**END NOTE: **Review!


	9. NOTICE!

To the readers of this fic,

In light of a recent re-reading of all my work, loss of interest in both Bleach and Naruto, and One Piece becoming my new favourite anime, I have decided to take down all of my stories. I will stop my three one-shot series, I will simply be re-writing them, because I have found my work unsatisfactory. The stories that I have been working on have also been scrapped for similar reasons. But, I am starting on smaller scale stories, so that I can work my way up to the longer, more drawn out plot lines. I shall also begin writing fanfics for One Piece, and there will likely be more of them then there were for Bleach and Naruto. I will try my best to get the edited versions out as soon as possible. I thank and apologize to everyone that has read and supported this story

Sincerely,

K. N. Writer


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